How I started spotting the Gollum inside me and why I'm loving it
Recently I caught myself in a pool of stinking thinking while driving back from work. I was thinking about a friend who had recently published a book and was a speaker at a conference. In my unconsciousness I was dragging him down by thinking he must be speaking for free at the conference. After catching myself, I started a conversation with my unconscious self (which I am calling Gollum as in the character from The Lord of the Rings. I will explain why I am calling it Gollum later). This is how my conversation goes (a little dramatized version of it ):
Me: Hey! Hold on, what am I thinking? How the hell I get here!
Gollum: Oh I was trying to make you feel better about yourself. Don’t you want the same?
Me: Yes I want to feel better about myself. I think I can do better than him. I am younger than him, so I still have more time at my disposal. Hold on a minute, I know what you are doing. You are the Gollum inside me. I know you are trying to cage me into the cave of limiting beliefs and stopping me from reaching my full potential. My situation was analogous to Gollum as he was stuck in the underground cave because of fear of losing his “precious” ring, the same way I was stuck in my stinking thinking in fear of losing my perfect self/ego.
Gollum: I just want you to feel happy about yourself.
Me: I want to explore the new territory; I want to do new things; I want to live free.
Gollum: Come back to your sensuous. You are not thinking straight. You moron you will get hurt. How do you think you can achieve all of these?
Me: Ahhh! I don’t know.
Gollum: See that’s my point. You are doing great here in this little world of yours. Don’t screw it up.
Me: No, I think I am getting it!
Gollum: No you are not. How do you think you are going to write and publish a book?
Me: First I have to decide whether I want to write a book. I do not want to blindly follow other. If I do decide to write, I know I am working on some of the cool technologies and there is audience for my knowledge and expertise.
Gollum: Alright. Do you think you can speak at conferences?
Me: I know I have a monotone speaking style and can make my audience sleep but I am working on it. So it's hard but possible.
Gollum: What if you fail?
Mind: It would still be OK. I will not regret that I never tried.
Puff! I see Gollum disappear in thin air and I was out from the stinky cave into peaceful “Shire” (hobbit land).
Historically I reject any such thought or sweep it under the morally superior ego of mine. But recently I started embarrassing it and owning it as my not so perfect self.
Now some word of wisdom by unpacking my experience. While conversing with my mind I cracked my false self which projects all the great qualities in me. This perfect self is what makes me feel secure and confident and helps me sleep through the night, so it’s not all bad. What is bad is it kept me in a constant state which is not very growthful. When we accept that we are not so perfect after all, we open a whole new possibility. It gives us courage to test the untested; after all there is no false ego to loose anymore.
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